i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
