my being single is dangerous.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You were trust falling into bushes
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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