Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
