just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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