So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize