Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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