If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
