My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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