I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
