I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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