So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
