Need sex. Gaining weight.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
