she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
