I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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