I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
