Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
