his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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