She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
