Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
