You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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