like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
