I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
