You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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