I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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