remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
