I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
