Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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