You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Randomize
