she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
