wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
