I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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