After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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