I wish my penis had an off switch
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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