You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
