i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
