I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
