The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
