you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
