Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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