you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
