I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
