I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
