Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
