I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
