FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
