happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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