i think my tv is drunk
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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