imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
