you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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