My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
