Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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