so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
