My sheets look like a crime scene.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Randomize
