I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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