you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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