break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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